sooutrageous (GB, 4/14/00):

~feature this; WOH with a commuting protaganist, set amidst a manhattan backdrop, during the "snowblind,
     disco-dazzling" 70's.

     broker in tears
     look at the "glitteratti"
     stretching all the way from 4th & spring
     to central park
     i was quite mean
     she was "missy wall street"
     just a testament from punching through to the jet-set crowd.
     it started out good
     sorta glad i met her................

     i'm skin-deep into something special
     riding the sleek outbound train to my place in the isle wood.

     .........and now at this time
     into our sordid story
     deceit compels us
     to bring a certain name
     meet if you will
     DR. MURRAY FRIEDMAN

     she reached out for my hand
     as i watched myself whirl across the rooom
     and i almost got there, almost got there, o, almost got there

     look at my hand,
     can't you see the subway token
     you can't ask me to access the funds i don't have now
     sadly for us
     our litte soiree's over
     and together we'll endure the poverty of the disavowed
     don't ya hate elaine's
     when san genaro's over
     where advice is easy
     but the problem's huge
     a day at the bris'
     then the hampton's season

     i'm skin deep into something special
     riding the sleek outbound train to my place in the isle wood.....

dread slinger (GB, 4/14/00)

east of hollywood

I'm working on hospital times these days.
A bummer,a bummer, this could be the cruel start of a bummer.
The snow-eyed creature in the reckless room,
I'm stratosphered,
a wise child says hey,no more beer.
I'm so blighted I can barely cope,
I'm fizzling 'cause I'm overdoped.
I might expire,so cover my back,
my nerves are way gone,I'm starting to crack.
I had no business dusting off that tray,
I'm almost toxic in unnatural ways.
This Faustian desire to swill more fare.
(A pity,a pity,he overdid it and he's feeling kind of shitty.)
When I speak it's like the sickest sound you've ever heard,
my throat is raw,my words are slurred.
As if I'm not already dazed enough,
I swallow down a fist of stuff.
Kramer-style, I'm jerking around,
I'm losing all feel,I need to sit down.
It's poor science when you mix-and-clash stash,
I'm almost toxic and I'm down with a crash.
This dark place is spinning and skewed.
It's kind of like composite shots from The Parallax View.

sooutrageous (GB, 4/19/00):

'road rage'
     (a miami urban-tragedy)

     some asshole, cut before my wondering eyes
     as i cruised the causeway by the big hotels
     we fought; fists and words began to fly
     after he'd been left for dead, the cops were called
     they hauled us off to "spend the night"
     as we kicked, we began to rue our blunder
     as we watched "the regulars" stalk the holding cell
     we kicked again, as some trustee scrubbed the shower floor
     he showed us his pantella
     and we ran between the cellblocks back to our door
     and we ran between the cellblocks back to our door

     OOOOOOOOOOOOO, MIAMI!

     in my dreams, i don't sweat this fuckung blunder
     i can see the sunshine through the holding cell
     that happy day, i whip your ass across that courtroom floor
     i'll be a wealthy fella
     and you'll run between the cellblocks back to your doooooor
     you'll run between the cellblocks, between the cellblocks, you'll run between the cellblocks back to your door.

     steven

Tomorrow's Girl (Daphne) (GB, 4/15/00):

I punched through to the "cosmic wow" and let me tell you; it feels goooood!

     While the peasants played, you'd paint by candlelight
     your starry starry night it was the best in town.
     While in France you crossed the diamond with the pearl,
     with every stroke and swirl
     until they ran you out of town.
     Did you feel like Titian'?
     Did you realize that you were a madman in their eyes?

     On the road the Flemish life was so austere.
     You'd sacrifice an ear.
     Everyone stopped to stare at the madman from sur-mer-du-rhone.
     Every patron had your paintings on the wall.
     Yet you would have it all.
     You sat in sack-cloth as they stared
     and you suffered alone

     Sir, they're so mistaken.
     You're not obsolete.
     Look at all the wise men on the street.

     Get along..... Get along sad rainbow man.

     *Now if I were as flippant and daft as our wonderous duo;I'd swear that my little parody has nothing at all to do with
     Jackson Pollock. In fact, i'd swear it's not at all about an artist. It's actually about euthanasia, world literacy and the fight
     against "the mutilation of female genitalia" in third world Islamic nations.

Mad Dog (GB, 4/20/00)

I'm Chester the white guy
     from Kalamazoo.
     Won't you turn your radio down
     Respect the sound-sensitive relays we use.
     So you say there's a race
     of men in DC.
     They're for gun legislation.
     Thanks for calling.
     I wait all night for jobs like these.
     An independent nation
     "Michigan Born & Free"
     With guns and propagation
     From our place in Ypsalanti
     I've got plenty of Semtex
     and big nasty things
     And I feel them spying!
     They say I have a heart of ice;
     a heart like ice.
     if you want your Uzi
     to shoot super swell
     you must spring for that little blue box
     patton's piercing shells
     they pierce like hell
     An independent nation
     "Michigan Born & Free"
     With guns and propagation
     from our place in Ypsalanti
     You'd never believe it,
     but once there was this time
     when love was in my life.
     I often wonder,.... what happened to that dame?
     She said that I'm insane!
     It was me!.....ME!
     IT WAS ME!
     But now i'm out of my mind.
     An independent nation
     Michigan Born & Free
     With guns and propagation
     from our place in Ypsalanti.

Daphne (5/5/00):

Calysta's Theme

I'm drinking Kirschwasser Lime these days
(the summer, this could be the cruel part of the summer)
The glazed-eyed creature in the padded room, she's so austere
her MD just ran out of here.
She's nodding off now from their numbing dope
she's sleeker than a piece of rope
She's like wire, she's spurning the fact

First she's way gone then she comes back
She's all smiles then she's melting away
She's anorexic in a natural way

Her house in the Valley has spiral stairs
(the city, this could be the show "Sex in the City)
When she eats she makes the sickest sound I've ever heard
She's gagging on her every word
as if she's not already bleak enough
she kicks in with the bulimic stuff
That's her style to jerk me around

Then she throws up the things she puts down
She's pure psycho in a dashing black hat
She's anorexic and I like it like that

I see her face so chilling and blue
it's kind of like the opposite of my big cousin Sue
Unless I'm totally wrong
I've seen her 'gurg and brother it's strong!

I'm pretty sure that what I'm looking at were once her thighs
but I just stand and munch my fries
Hope the group dynamic works somehow
She's deep in her disorder now
It's called food-they spell F-U-D

First she's all stuffed then she's fat-free
She's doubled over and she's starting to sway
She's anorexic in a natural way
She's size two then she's size one
Mogadishu meets the Carpenter Brat
She's anorexic but it's better than that.

wormtom (GB, 5/4/00):

here is a work related play on "What a Shame About Me"

     I was grinding through my day gig
     picking seismic on a workstation
     when I check the web, the tide and ebb
     find the guestbook a revelation

     talk about the shows, the dirt the cds
     don't know what else
     I say this group of cats has been good for me
     but can you pull it off real stealth

     the boss says man you have a deadline
     hope your getting on just fine
     hope they don't check my netscape proxies
     or I'll be in the unemployment line

     when one needs to escape work please come see
     all those friends on G B

sooutrageous (GB, 5/5/00):

60's kitch-with dianna & paddy
 

     emma's rollin' almost every night
     her ebon danskin fitting o-so-tight
     she's strange
     in fanastic little ways
     she's strange
     yes indeed
     you know she's beauceau avenger but she's hangin' tight
     with mr. steed

     uma thurman there's a case in point
     that re-make movie sure stunk up the joint
     it bombed
     rafe's not dissing pat macnee
     but it bombed
     guaranteed
     he may be struttin' in his bowler
     but he's steppin' out
     with mr. steed

     they maybe got thirsty for a few warm beers
     he had her back till marmontiers
     he's a shrewed sword-fighter
     in his tailored vest
     while his feline friend
     does hai-karate' more or less

     they can't see ya hunny, that's no jive
     they're speeding northward on the sleek m5
     don't stop
     it's their five minutes of fame
     so don't stop
     if they do the 'deed'
     she may be swervin' on a backroad
     but's she's on all fours
     with mr. steed

CHI-RIVAL (GB, 5/5/00):

It must have been
     Our lucky Friday
     When Dan went on T.V.
     Before Matt Lauer
     Flew home from Iceland
     The boys were jamming in NYC
 

     They played the Jack"
     Black Friday"
     and even PEG"
     and Donald almost hit Katie in the head.
 

     Who has a friend named Herington
     Who gets to tour with hot babes
     who gets to spend a tour date in SPAIN
     Possibly you Steely Runaway.

wormtom (GB, 5/10/00):

imagine - Don and Walt working with TLC
     doing Babylon Sisters in hip hop regalia

     here goes (in run on monotone rap glory)

     you drivin west on sunset to the sea.. baby
     you turn the car and come a callin for me.. baby
     turning jungle music down,
     you bad...you bad... you such a clown
     this ain't no one nighter it's a happening thing
     tell you where I am when the phone don't ring
     now you better like shake it and get on wid it and sing...

     Babylon sisters... shake it
     you shake.. you roll.. you got ta jiggy with soul
     Babylon SIsters shaken' it
     so fine so phat, tell me who's gonna messa with that

wormtom (GB, 5/18/00):

so here goes an off the top ode
     ala Julie Andrews Roger and Hammerstein "my favorite things"
     picture her singing this and swirling around with Swiss Alpine vista blista

     here goes... my fav things

     sparse orchestrations
     of jazz combo echo
     belecktones of banjo
     of the type that is flecko
     the first new bohemos
     with eddie breckel
     these are dandy things
     that make my... heart swell

     traces of Ricki as she oh so jones
     echos of Joni with Jaco below sez
     Miles of stark blueness and 70's excurse
    this are the things that do DANdy converse

     when Sade sings
     with backing swings
     and the mood is sad
     I simply remember
     the royalist of scams
     and then I don't feel so bad

     laid back piano in Projects so Astral
     soulfuless Van with the horns beckon Castro
     Time Out dear Brubeck even Costello's Bedroom Imperial
     these are the things that beckon Dan oh so Steeleyal

     when the horn swings
     and Hornsby's piano rings
     or Methany's chords go astray
     I simply remember a Thrill I Can't Buy
     and then thy sweet ears... melt away
 

     we now return you to our regulary scheduled program

 Clas (GB, 5/31/00):

    The Guestbook Look

     The surf was easy on the day I came to race
     in this quiet corner in the space
     I remember, a bunch of yankees all in blue
     I found them just by chance with Yahoo

     Now the regulars are gone except for two
     the big Saint Al's been hard to reach
     wake up darling, let's log off, there's a better place to be;
     the web-page of the great 10cc

     I know what happens
     I read the book
     I believe I got off the Guestbook hook

     (I believe I just got the goodbye look)

     Fmaj9 / B7+5 / Bbmaj7 6 / A7 / Dm9 / Dm7/G / etc etc

big black worm
n v us of engorgement (GB, 6/1/00)

     to the tune of Black Cow

     in the northeast corner... washington state
     they saw you and St Al.... did a double take
     you were high on some music it was dan dy
     such sweet and pure... ear candy

     in the rental... an rv
     was a rendevous and new memories
     such as these... new friendships here to forge
     and to be seeing the dan... in that sweet Gorge

     chorus
     I could die, I can't go
     while you run around
     wish I could... break way
     just when it seemed so near
     now it's over now
     please enjoy and how
     wish i was outta here

     great encounter, time to seize
     GB friends appear, and a will to please
     Don and Walt, surely they'll treat all to savor
     playing oldies, and new Tunes against nature

Red Bait
atributetowormandthegb (GB, 6/1/00)

     Lack Of Sleep

     Wormy's posting almost day and night
     Writing backwards at the speed of light
     No change - types a thousand lines a days
     He's strange - yes indeed
     You know he's high on the topsoil now he's
     Hanging dry from the Lack of Sleep

     St-Al's party - in case you don't get his point
     That night in Portland we rolled up a joint
     He's gone - he walks sideways through the aisles
     Real gone - it's good weed
     You''l see him sittin' in the cool seats, soon he'll
     be dozing off from the Lack of Sleep

     We might have all waited a few more years
     But there's nothing else we'd rather hear
     Not a one-hit wonder
     It's a real success
     And we don't care if they don't please the mainstream Press

     I can't hear you honey - just sleep tight
     Pack my things and catch the red-eye flight
     Don't fuss - I'll be callin' you from there
     Just don't fuss - I can hear you scream
     I better move now little darlin', soon i'll be
     On-all-fours from the Lack of Sleep

Crimson Toad (GB, 6/2/00):

     Beg

     Huge Fan is pissed off
     We read it in his letter
     The guy sure paid his dues
     Now see his face turn blue
     If Pete can bring us the ganja
     Maybe we'll reconsider

     Beg

     You get the picture
     If not we think you'd better
     This is her big debut
     That time we hit the loo
     Now if she'd just smile for the camera
     We'd get those Swedes to like her

     Beg

     Beg
     And maybe we'll come through
     Beg
     We'll play one just for you
     Beg
     It sure is fun to see you all pleading
     For your favorite boring oldies

blue worm (tom) (GB, 6/2/00):

     wormsal logic

     well the Dan is touring the homeland
     with a traveling on fire show
     yes the Dan is touring the homeland
     take no prisoners as they go
     well they might have age
     who cares, get on with it
     but the sar is back in sarcastic
     and oh that wit

     these days their back together
     and the new stuff's tasty in the flow... oh yeah

     well i never caught their old act
     when they toured with Kikki Dee
     no I never caught the old act
     with the Skunkster laying gris gris

     might have seen em on the tv
     quite obtuse
     when I was old enough to catch them
     they went recluse
     hiding in the studio
     making their next master piece, oh yeah

 Well I never met Walt and Donald
     but I plan to, one fine day
     they will give me tips on neg girls
     then I'll waste my life away
     cause I know the fire is burning
     and the intent to take one down
     but I'm helpless to escape it
     with a dunce cap for a crown
     and oh my I'm slowly burning
     and I'm caught now, like some prey
     the goddess blocks the fire escape now
     that sweet Jane Street Runaway

     oh you see them on the tv
     so perfecto and sigh rean (*like siren and sirene douple speak)
     on the surface oh so pleasant
     underneath tragically mean
     some one warned me a long time ago - oh yeah

     well the dan have tamed the homeland
     out with the hooters and the horns
     and the music plays forever
     smells like roses, but oh those thorns
     and the twist remains evasive
     timeless and true in double o (00)
 

Bleu aise, heure rouge (6/2/00):

     Gina

     We're gonna check out the liner notes,
     When Gina comes home,
     We're gonna revive the tired quotes,
     When Gina comes home to play,
     She'll be awake when we sleep.

     Dawn at the stroke of midnight,
     Will she return?
     Only God knows when.
     We'll pick up the conversation,
     When Gina comes on.

     When Gina comes home again,
     She's the pride of the Netherlands,
     She's a great Dane,
     A laugh riot,
     She plays with the wordings, sets our souls afire.

     How about a game of scrabble,
     She'll never say no,
     Leave out the psycho babble,
     We'll figure it out tonight,
     We're gonna get to the meat.

     Then at the stroke of midnight,
     She'll disappear,
     Until God knows when.
     We'll pick up some inspiration,
     When Gina comes home.

the Innocent one (6/2/00):

     Everyone's gone to the concert

     Kid's if you want some fun
     Steely Dan's surely your band
     They're always playing and having fun
     Singing their hits from the past
     Come on, come on,
     Soon it will be June 9th
     I think you know what that means
     Don't tell your Wormies
     Your Cheres your Wormies
     KD will know where you've been

     Everyone's gone to the concert
     June 9th please come fast

     Listen to what I say
     Steely Dan's coming our way
     Right in the theater
     They'll play guitars
     I don't know what they will play
     Come on, come on
     Soon it will be Six-Nine
     Aja will be looking fine
     We know the show will really RULE
     I don't think Gina will drool

     Everyone's gone to the concert
     June 9th please come fast

     Kids if you want some fun
     See steely dan play Josie
     Meet all the people from the GB
     We will all become cozy

     Everyone's gone to the concert
     June 9th please come fast

wormtom (GB, 6/8/00):  [take this as a generic stab at clueless, tin-eared critics]

"Jack Off Speed"

     Craig Levine [Marine]
     gets up late most every night
     after the shows are over
     he's got a job deadline

     loved Lolita Britney
     with her acne dabbed
     but those Steely Knives
     his intent wholey to stab

     he's gone
     in a thousand million ways
     he's gone
     guaranteed
     if there's an axe to grind
     his critic wheel works overtime
     at Jack off speed

     Craig is working on his latest review
     and yes he brought along his attitude
     he's got... a big chip for shoulder gone routine
     he spent the whole show in the latrine

     He can't hear the music over his wailing sounds
     Jack off speed

     Craig's party days were at West Point
     a trained cadet who sure stunk up the joint
     with an attitude of such... stinking bile
     his reptile brain was loaned to a crocodile

     no loss he can still spit forth his spittle
     what cost - pan frying artists at the grittle
     there's no monkey in his soul
     as he swallows you whole
     at Jack Off Speed

     Craig's been transplanted to the California Coast
     but it's far too "Concord" ish for his games of boast
     hates anyone from the 70's who didn't Y M C A
     now he tears down others for his daily pay

     he's gone - such a legend in his mind
     he's gone - doesn't see his own ever expanding behind
     as he focuses on others with an intent to smother
     at Jack off Speed

Kenny Starr (GB, 6/13/00):

          Court TV Divorce
          (or how Bill learned to stop worrying and love extra-marital sex)

          Babs and Slick Willy were involved they said
          so involved the intern's face turned red
          soon everybody knew she gave good head
          he moans, she bites
          have phone sex every night
          she go crazy
          got to make a getaway
         Lawyers say
          ahhhhhhhhhhh!
          Just face the nation.
          No fees for legislation
          or retorts
          ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
          congratulations
          this is your 'Court TV' divorce
          They do the dirty in some cheap motel
          bon tres' chic, from Arkansas to hell
          he leaves his ashes in the oyster shell
          blue dress, wrapped tight
          she'll get it cleaned tonight. Yeah
          Mr. Driver; take me where the coeds play
          Lawyer say
          Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
          just face the nation
          no fees for legislation
          or retorts.
          Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
          congratulations
          this is your 'Court TV' divorce.
          At the Bureau, in his straight-backed chair
          sits da Chairman with da motion and his implant hair
          she was wired. we have it all!
          the chick was hot so
          you did the in-and-out-tango
          now the Party's hack
          say's he'll turn his back
          Tearful proceedings in the USA
          day by day impeachment saves the day
          some scandals grow in a peculiar way
          in changed, it grew
          the found the stoggie too. Yeah
          Mizz Lewinsky, take me back to Little Rock
          Lawyers say
          Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
          just face the nation
          no fees for legislation
          or retorts
          Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
          congratulations
          this is your Court TV divorce

dis guyzed (GB, 6/13/00):

          Kenny - here's a fourth verse for your masterpiece

          "I must admit it" I heard slick william say
          "damn that dress, it has my d n a"
          "I'll have to address the whole U.S. of A."
          oh shit this course
          finish the term then it's divorce

          once false slip
          another tape from Linda Trip

          Billiam says - "oh no, didn't have relations
          ain't sex without penetrations"
          so they say
          oh well - congratulations
          they can't impeach on stipulations
          and a b.j.

Heartbroken in Hollywood
WhirlingDervish@ICAN'TSEE.COM
Location: Universal Amphitheater, CA
(GB, 6/14/00):

     West Of Hollywood: set last night at the LA show

     Patron in tears
     Look at that ignoramus
     dancing all the way from Boston Rag thru Babylon
     we were fourth row
     he was front and center
     just a sneer away from punching through the his jutting brow
     It started out bad, never got much better
     breaking all the rules as he sang along
     with behavior like this
     can I get a refund!

     I'd found work as a human pretzel
     craning my neck at the Steely Dan concert in Hollywood

     Yelling so hard
     he talked right through the encore
     till security arrived and walked him out to the aisle
     from the 'Deacon Affair' to the 'Dad in New York City'
     faces and events seen above the concession line
     and now at this time into our whiny story
     remorse compells me to bring a certain name
     meet if you will
     MR. DENNY DIAS!

     I found work as a human pretzel
     craning my neck at the Steely Dan concert in Hollywood

     I launched out with my hands
     as I watched myself fall across the chairs
     and I almost got there, O, almost got there, almost got there

 Duh...
(GB, 6/16/00)

     GAUCHE

     As sung by Jacko Daze
     (an ode to the clumsy lefties,
     not commented for the reading impaired)

     Just when I though
     Boy, he's been dissed
     Called an asshole
     Then he does this
     who says this guy is for real?
     Hiding his handle, what's the deal?
     One more repressive diss-off?
     Who does he think I am?

     You should know I got special friends
     But you don't seem to understand
     We got Oleander
     I think you should go
     Or fry again tomorrow

     Can't you see he's laughing at me?
     Get rid of him
     I don't know where he's coming from
     Would you care to explain?

     Who is the gauche amigo?
     Why is he dissing
     That we spoke lawyer lingo
     And erased the little boot?
     chicken-shit frog legs
     Such as your friend
     Will never be welcomed here
     High in the Busta Drone

     Al I told you
     Back down the line
     If you scratch my back
     They will scratch mine
     Why can't things be like before?
     What do you think I'm yelling for?
     I'd drop him, if i'd know him,
     Doesn't he use a name?

     You should all know I'm cutting edge
     Still some refuse to acknowledge
     Who's the lousy choir boy
     With no URL to show?
     Is he from Toronto?

     Why did he call himself a car?
     Look at me
     Trading fours with a perfect shadow
     Would you care to explain?

     Who is the gauche amigo?
     Why was he staring
     While I organized bingos
     With the stars that grace this page?
     Outsiders, deadheads
     And all such "friends"
     Can hardly feel welcomed here
     High in the Busta Drone

     to What A Shame About Me

     I was grinding through my day gig
     On the workstation and PC
     When in posts Blaze, a red vapor haze
     with another fun parody

     Talk about shows, lyrics, an odd tease
     don't know what else
     Yeah, the GB has been good to me
     it's quite a hand we been delt

     well it's fodder for a birdcage
     to anyone not down with Dan
     but it's oh SO on the Outrage
     with this social Steely Clan

     take a good look, and like what you see
     Sign in Stranger than thee

     talk to me, do you all agree
     that this distraction is an additive craze
     when your blues is Deac, come have a peak
     no it is not a simple passing phase

     Razor has a blade that's the perfect shade
     Dr Mu's a tune... so's StevieDan
     and just when I thought my leg had been pulled
     I get confirmance from the Roy of scam

     and if it's babes that talk delicious
     cool elusive and verbose
     there Ole Rube and Aja
     Cara Mia and more to toast

    take a good look
     such great company
     what a shame about Chere

     Talk to me
     do you ever see
     anyone at the shows on the west coast
     Michelle is fine, her Innocence blind
     but then that's the kind we like the most

     J Double U from Malibu
     gave us all a Techno Home
     well Q and Claus
     they rule the house
     when So Outrage left this Custerdome

     I say, this sure beats me working
     so it's time to spin a thread
     but my boss has got a deadline
     else this worm be better dead

     but he can't bark at what he don't see
     another post from wormy

     we sometimes run down to small talk
     sometimes ballah gets the expanding head
     but it's most in jest
     when in posts nightfly Lest
     to comment cool on something said
     with Madame Duck, we're all in luck
     and David's on in the Florida Room
     with this much in store, let's sweep the floor
     Your Gold Keith will tidy nicely with the broom

     I say babe your down with DOnald
     and the Walt is pretty nice
     just give me the gloom of Carolyn
     I'll make her smile, that queen of ice

     Take a good look it's easy to see
     a knife slice of Steely

Mr. LaPage
(GB, 6/16/00)

     Tom, please accept this in the spirit it was written: blithering psychosis!

     I was blinded by the quick wit
     waxing comic 'bout the band
     when in strolled wormy from LSU
     he was quite an expert on sand
     he talked about jazz and dirt and cds
     don't know what else?
     He said yeah New Orleans' been good to me
     but tell me how about yourself

     I'm still working on this gag-fest
     but I'm just about to quit
     spending all my money now
     but still can't finance spit
     I weigh more than I think I should be
     How insane about me!

     I said talk to me, do you dance for free
     we all know you think you're very cool
     Blazer denies he likes to parodize
     he's holding out for something new
     Ole has a page for 'Fever Heaven'
     Beemer does his softwear thing
     and somebody told me in the brand new decade
     Worm's gonna be the 'Topsoil King'

     Well now that was just some bullshit
     but I guess I'm doin' fine
     three weeks outta the jazzfest fest
     seeing three chicks at a time
     hanging out on this goddamned GB
     How insane about me!

     How Insane about me!
     I'm dreaming of a greezy Du Monde Beignet
     the goddess with the Etouffe' was you.

    We both ran out of small talk
     our endorphins seemed to go dead
     I was about to ask "Hey, lend me your wife?"
     when I changed my mind instead

     You know I just had this sick idea
     it could be very cool
     why don't we drive my ride out to Slidell
     and look for prom queens coming home from shool

     I said Tom that sounds delicious
     and I'm not opposed to sin
     but like this is Lou'siana
     and I'm sure not Errol Flynn
     take a good look it's easy to see
     How insane about me!

Razor Boy
(GB, 6/16/00):

     To the tune of "The Caves of Altamira"

     I recall last year, ya know
     How I spent my days alone
     The Dandom world not known to me
     'til I ran across it's home
     I signed along the dotted line
     A Stranger here no more
     I'd hide behind my moniker
     'The Razor Boy' I chose
     Against the yellow screen
     I met a lively Wormy wonder
     He so loves to pair oh dee
     Ole, Hutch and Mr. La Page
     some names that caught my eye
     Then St. Al and Hoops! appeared
     They're friends as real as I

     Before last fall when I found it on the Web
     I never knew there was a Guest Book
     They heard the call
     And they wrote up on the Web
     So all us Strangers could Sign in

     Here it is we speak our minds
     Such as Dr. Mu and StevieDan
     So-Out felt he had to leave, but
     Not the Beast w/o a name
     Hangin' here with mon Cher'e
     We share what we have done
     Let the Dan wash over me
     And post again at one

     Before the Web when we couldn't talk at all
     When there wasn't even any WebbyDrone
     They heard us call
     And they put a page up on the Web
     For all us Strangers to Sign In

     (kick ass sax solo)

Raptor
(GB, 6/16/00):

     "Danfest Squibs"

    To the tune of Show Biz Kids;
 

     OH PLEASE GODSAVEUS
     GODSAVEUS
     OH PLEASE GODSAVEUS
     While the Danfest cretins wear the shade off the light
     All the Danfest cretins know their teeth come out at night
     While the Danfest cretins wear the shade off the light
     All the Danfest cretins know their teeth come out at night
     GODSAVEUS
     GODSAVEUS
     OH PLEASE GODSAVEUS
     After closing time
     At the Gap in the mall
     I detect the Rolly-Polly
     Wedged in a room at the end of the hall.

     Well I've read some New Age drool
     And I've laughed at the Danfest fools
     But the worst that I've witnessed
     was a Fatdrunkenwormyprincess
     with loose stools
     Chorus

     They got their Jackson Hole Condos
     With a young trophy bride
     They got their Beemers & Merlot
     And the wrinkles they can't hide

     They got their grotesque bodies
     They got their Steely Dan Visas
     And for the Coup De Grace
     Please God Save Us!
     Oh Doctor lemee tell ya

     Chorus

     Danfest Squibs Makin fools of themselves
     You know they got no teeth, left 'em home on the shelf!

Jimmy Swaggert
(GB, 6/16/00):

     The wind was driving in my face
     the smell of sickly fare
     (my bible; show me my bible)
     the goon-squad eased into my space
     some convert screamed somewhere
     I layed my hand against the thrall
     of countless infirmed and ill
     I was the healing prophet
     a fool for cash for con-man skills

     They've got detectives on my case
     the filmed the whole charade
     (my bible; show me my bible)
     she has a birthmark on her face
     she claims she ain't been paid

     yes he's a newborn christian
     until he answers for his crime
     yes, I'll match him sin for sin now

     I still recall when I first held
     my second healing line
     (my bible, show me my bible)
     collected more than I could tell
     and now it's shopping time

     yes, he's a newborn christian
     until he answers for his crime
     yes, i'll match him sin for sin now.

Dr. Mu
(GB, 6/18/00):  Ergogenic Ernie

     to the tune "Negative Girl"

     He’s here, He’s there
     He’s fucking everywhere - somehow
     He’s high, he’s stoked
     He could eat a roast - or a whole cow

     He was thin as a rope, now he look’s so dope
     It’s happening again
     I tell myself I’ll never buy him a shirt again
 

     His skin so thick
     Like he’s 10 feet from the sun
     Some situps to crunch
     It looks like another GNC lunch
     I know he’s ill
     A protein powder spill
     We’re pumpin’ weights just the same
     I need to feel the burn
     of that lactic acid again
 

     CHORUS
     Another Dinabol Claim
     Drives his expanding frame
     Exquisitely rippled
     The original classic aid - more of the same

     He’s in the zone
     Smashed another phone
     A needle here
     Indiscreet again
     As he staggers with a brain dead calm
     I arrive in time to find the zombie gone

     He’s on to train
     Somewhere with an anabolic Jones
     His shrinking testes
     Locked down, Clocked out, who knows?
     Some cash, a kiwi
     The fruit bar waits for me
     As his doctor friend feeds the beast
     Maybe we’ll try the Stairmaster for a nice cooldown
 

     CHORUS
     Another Dinabol Claim
     Drives his expanding frame
     Exquisitely rippled
     The original classic aid - more of the same

Really, Man (GB, 6/19/00):

[To "Through With Buzz"]

     It upsets my tummy...
     You know I ate too much
     Yes, I ate too much
     Oh-oh-oh yeah-ah
     All right, uh-huh-uh-uh

     T'was the Easter Bunny...
     You know I ate too much
     Yes, I ate too much
     Oh-oh-oh yeah-ah
     All right, uh-huh-uh-uh

     Maybe he's a fairy...
     You know I ate too much
     Yes, I ate too much
     All-ll right,
     Oh yeah-ah, uh-huh-uh-uh

dread slinger (GB, 6/23/00):
 

     I'm working on hospital time these days
     (a bummer,a bummer,this could be the cruel start of a bummer)

     The slow-eyed creature in the Reckless Room
     I'm stratosphered
     a wise child says,"Hey,no more beer"
     I'm so blighted I can barely cope
     I'm fizzling,woe,I'm on the ropes
     I might expire,so cover my back
     my nerves are way gone,I'm starting to crack
     I had no business dusting off that tray
     I'm almost toxic in unnatural ways

     This Faustian desire to swill more fare
     (a pity,a pity, he overdid it and he's feeling rather shitty)

     When I speak it's like the sickest sound you've ever heard
     my throat is raw,my words are slurred
     as if I'm not already dazed enough
     I swallow down a fist of stuff
     Kramer-style
     I'm jerking around
     I'm losing all feel
     I need to sit down
     its poor science when you mix-and-clash stash
     I'm almost toxic and I'm down with a crash

     This dark place is spinning and skewed
     My mind is like a popping zit from a cranial view
     A last big hit on the bong
     had seemed so right
     but now I'm all wrong

     A pretty nurse has yet to pierce my hide
     in fourteen tries
     but I just lie here tranquilized
     I'll just have to be inert for now
     I'm in the I.C. Unit, OW!
     Hands in gloves
     insert an I.V.
     "Nurse, my small buzz became cacophony."
     "You bubbled over. That was yesterday.
     You were toxic in unnatural ways."

     This old fool should learn like Neil Young
     Living easy beats becoming a stat
     I was toxic but I'm better than that

wormtom (GB, 6/29/00):

     sorry I couldn't resist
     a treaty on Walt and Guitar Aces and Warm Places

     to the tune of Jack of Speed

     Larry's flying fingers - outta sight
     he slammed on Scam - playing oh so tight
     But he's gone - no more frontal guitar attack
     He's gone - Walt's chops oh so laying back
     Carlton's almost metal, when his sixstring sings
     He's a jack of speed

     Aja's abstractions - there's a case in point
     don't need no shredding in this jazz club joint
     Wailing's gone - all the feedback to apease
     It's gone - no stinging lead
     Walt's grooving with the bluesters, funkin with the newsters
     Ain't no Jack of Speed

     On to horns and jazz grooves in their later years
     Skunk and Denny gone, as they've shifted gears
     to the... slower sidekicks
     and the sombre jests
     and Walt new best friend ain't a Tele or a Les

     He can't wail you, honey - that's alright
     His chops aren't Larry's but they still delight
     Don't stop - with those choice notes - Walter's tame
     Don't stop, the bare midrifters plead
     cause while Herrington's been the guitar rave
     Walt's hanging in the Vick Cave
     no Jack of speed

timg (GB, 8/4/00):

"Ruby IMac"

     I got a junk box, Ruby is the frame. (Ruby, Ruby Ruby IMac)
     It don't look neat but I love it just the same
     Ruby Baby how I want to
     Let a ghost virus infect you.
     Ruby Imac, when will you be prime?

     Each time I start you baby my drive fries.
     I gotta find a new way to advertise.
     May the funny way you come through
     Make amends for all you can't do.
     Ruby IMac when will you be fine?

     I got a girlfriend, Ruby is her frame.
     I'll give the world the runaround just the same.
     Got to love the money too.
     Gonna live it up anew.
     Ruby IMac is a diamond mine.

Reelin' (GB, 9/27/00):

     Your everlasting hard on
     you can see it fading fast
     so you grab a piece of someone
     and you get your jollies fast.

     Well you wouldn't even know a G Spot
     if she gave you detailed plans
     the things that pass for nookie
     i can't understand.

Jaye Davidson (GB, 9/27/00):

Crying At My Own Game

     You've been telling me you're a virgin
     till you were seventeen
     after looking at your yearbook
     i damn sure know what you mean!

     The evening at the gang-bang
     didn't turn out like you planned
     they reached below your beltline
     and they found that you're a man!(UGH!)

     You spend alot of money
     and you waste alot of time
     the stint you did in alcatraz
     stays with me all the time

     After all the frills and estrogen
     you're just another man
     the 'things' that pass for female
     i can't understand!

Daddy G (GB, 2/15/01) To the tune of "West Of Hollywood"

It's the story of a man who has waited until the last minute to buy his wife a Valentine's Day present. The hour is getting
     late on February 14th, and he's starting to panic. With the usual apologies to Donald and Walter ...

     Nearly in tears
     Look at this rack of nighties
     Stretching all the way from here and now
     To hell and gone

     I was Kid Cheap
     She was tough to buy for
     But on Valentine’s Day
     You’ve got to get it right

     It started out bad
     And it got much worse
     As the hour grew later
     And the stores all closed

     But if you screw up this gift
     There’s a gnarly downside

     "Yes, I’m looking for something special."
    Fighting my way through the crowd
     Down at Frederick’s of Hollywood

"Tristan Gustave Fabriani III"
Subject: Steely Dan Song Re-Lyrics of a Celebratory Character
Date: Wed, 26 Dec 2001

"GRAMMY PROFESSION":

NYC - at Sony Studios
Plush TV jazz-rock
On PBS
Live "Storytellers"
Then worldwide concerts for all to see
It's pure glee
(They're such crowd pleasin' guys)
Eight p.m.
Pacific Standard Time
The Staples Center
In west L.A.
Fagen and Becker
In from the outside where they'd stood
Lookin' good

It's a Grammy profession
The Fandom's obsession
2vN: best engineering
Duo vocals' number one
Album of the year bar none

So glad you won
A job well done, boys

From '72
Beyond the Century's End
Titanic treading
Outre Daniel
These true companions
Outclass and outlast
All around
It's that sound
(With no static at all)
Hall of Fame
At last inducted
Millennium All-Stars
Par excellence
Mystery lyrics
Infectious grooves - all in one
And they're not done

It's a Grammy profession
The Fandom's confession
Don and Walt's new shiny CD
Inundated with award
Steely Dan at last has scored

So glad you won
A job well done, boys

Eminem
We know your middle name
Vulgar huckster with a beat
That's some claim to fame!

Live on tour
And in the studio
Reaching perfection
In time and sound
Matchless crafticians
Whose baddest sneakers none can fill
What a thrill

It's a Grammy profession
Proud Dandom's procession
Don and Walt:  you're just outstanding
This earnest plea you've heard before:
We can hardly wait for more!

So glad you won
A job well done, boys

TRISTAN GUSTAVE FABRIANI III, ESQ.
CEO & EL SUPREMO
PRETZEL LOGIC & ANALYSIS, INC.
SAN FRANCISCO

TGF III forwards another (1/3/02), from the Steely Dan email files:

"GREEN ACRES"
(Adapted from "Green Earrings")

OLD.....BORING, RE-RUNS, ON TV,
DRUCKER, KIMBEL
CAN'T BELIEVE, WHAT I SEE
GREEN ACRES, I REMEMBER
THAT DOUGLAS FARM..BEHIND
I REMEMBER
 THAT HOOTERVILLE SIGN
WHAT I'D FIND, I DON'T MIND.

HIS....TRACTOR, ALWAYS, ON THE BLINK,
EB, MR. ZIFFEL,
HAD A PIG FARM, SURE DID STINK,
GREEN ACRES, I REMEMBER
THAT PIG WHO WATCHED TV,
I REMEMBER, MR. HANEY,
WHAT I SEE, CAN IT BE?

GREEN ACRES, I REMEMBER,
THAT LAND SO FAR AND WIDE,
KEEP MANHATTAN, GIVE ME THE COUNTRY SIDE,
FAR AND WIDE, FAR AND WIDE.